


breathe me

by lcvelinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hyunjin's A Hurt Baby, Intense, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, love you, mwah, sorry jinnie, why do i always hurt him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 20:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17793938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcvelinnie/pseuds/lcvelinnie
Summary: hyunjin lost himself, but it's okay. changbin's here to piece him back together.





	breathe me

**Author's Note:**

> hi angst because im going through real bad shit. so here's triggers and stuff if you didn't read the tags + lowercase intended and sorry for the misspellings, it's not edited.
> 
> \- self harm  
> \- self hatred  
> \- a lot of self hatred  
> \- metaphors? kinda? idk  
> \- basically just a lot of hyunjin hating himself  
> \- ^ sorry baby, you're perfect
> 
> \- also changbin calls him baby and babyboy and stuff a lot so thats cute

hyunjin stood in the bathroom, the palms of his hands resting against the sink counter, eyes glaring at his reflection. he was disgusting, talentless, fat, ugly, boring, annoying, a burden, he was a mistake from the very beginning. a ripped condom, a failed abortion, a fatherless baby, a motherless toddler, a foster kid, a runaway, a teenager on the streets. he was everything people told you stay away from, a bad influence. he was the part of the meal you scrape off because you don't like it. he was the drink you neglect because it doesn't taste lie you expected. he was the animal you ignore because they're not as cute as you thought. he was the game console you got for your beloved child that they never touched because it was boring, took too long to load, didn't do what it wanted, wasn't compatible for the games they wanted to play. he was just a stuffed dog in a trashbag in the storage room because no one played with it anymore but it would be too much work to throw it away. 

he was just... hyunjin.

a worthless, pathetic, horrid excuse of a human being. he hated himself more than he hated anything in the universe. his legs were too long, his arms were too skinny, his neck was too wide, his hair was too short, his eyes were too small, his lips were too thick, his nose was too wide, his feet were too big, his fingers were too long, his teeth were too small, his laugh was too bubbly. he hated himself more than anything in the entire universe. he could feel the hatred radiating off of himself as he stared at his reflection.

it felt like he was stabbing glass shards into his skin as he let the acid hot tears dribble down his swollen, flushed cheeks, hands gripping the cold metal of the broken razor blade. he promised changbin he wouldn't. _he promised changbin he wouldn't._

_but he has to._

he lets the warm tears eat away at his pale skin as he drags the cold against his forearm, in any direction his had happened to be positioned in. he bites his lip between the same tiny teeth he despised for being so tiny in attempts to silence his broken sobs and pained yelps. changbin wasn't home... and that just seemed to weigh harder against his already burning guilt.

he scrapes the sharp metal against his sensitive skin until he slices over an already open, already stinging cut.

he breaks.

he throws the metal across the room, the clinking of it heard in the shower. he lets his knees buckle underneath him, long fingernails grasping at the bare skin of his legs as sobs echo throughout the large bathroom. he can't hear anything, his ears are ringing too loudly. his eyes are too blurred with tears, but even then his eyes are screwed closed so tightly that it hurts, eyebrows knitted together to far his forehead is starting to ache. his chest heaves so heavily he's sure his heart is going to explode from the constant change in pressure as his sobs wrack his body so hard that the moment the front door opened, the elder heard them.

the short boy's heart races as he slams the front door closed, racing through the house and up the stairs no matter how much his tired, aching legs protest against his actions. he throws himself against the locked bathroom door, over and over and over, even as he feels the bruise growing underneath his skin, he kicks and kicks and elbows at the door until the lock breaks. 

he's quick inside, heart breaking at the site of his hysterical, broken baby. he kneels down, gathering the sobbing boy against his chest, murmuring sweet words of pride and love until the taller seems to calm down, breathing still heavy but broken cries having quieted down completely. 

"hyung?" he whimpers. what hadn't already broken of the elders heart was most definitely shattered at the way the younger called him with such a pitiful, pained voice. "it's okay baby, i'm here. hyung's here." 

hyunjin sniffles, whimpering as he cuddles closer to his boyfriend.

only then did changbin notice the red on his baby's arms.

"jinnie..."

he hummed, eyes meeting the elders.

"we need to clean you up. then we'll get you to bed, okay?"

hyunjin just seemed confused.

_he must've been so bad he didn't even register what he did..._

if changbins shattered heart could shatter anymore, it definitely did as the thought dawned on him.

his poor babyboy was so broken that he didn't even mean to cause himself pain.

he just did.

changbin stood, pulling a smooth rag from the towel cabinet. he wet it with lukewarm water, ringing it out as he kneeled next to the taller again. taking the boy's shredded wrist in his soft hands, he gently patted at the sensitive skin until all of the dried blood was just a memory of earlier. he tossed the rag into the laundry bin, searching through the mirror for the gauze, tape and wrap.

he gently wrapped the boy's arm up, not missing the guilt and pure hatred in his baby's eyes. he gently cupped hyunjin's cheek, searching for the boy's eyes until- finally, they met.

"don't be so hard on yourself. it's okay."

"i broke the promise, hyung." he whispered.

_oh baby..._

"the promise doesn't matter, darling." he softly reassures. "it's hard to promise something like that when you're not in a good mental state anyways. it was silly of us to promise something so big when you were and are still bad. it's okay, gorgeous. it's okay. we can promise that another day, when you aren't hurting anymore and it's easier to keep."

"are you mad?"

"baby," he mumbles, pulling the taller to his chest once more, "how could i ever be mad at someone like you?"

changbin knew exactly what went through hyunjin's mind on the daily. his thoughts about being worthless, just another bag of flesh walking amongst the beautiful people around him. which is why he always picked his words carefully, as to not possibly leave room for hyunjins broken mind to find something in between his words, make out something the elder never wanted.

"someone so... perfect. so beautiful. your gorgeous lips, beautiful eyes. your cute little nose and pretty hands, gorgeous legs. you're perfect, in each and every single way." he speaks, rambling words out of fondness, not noticing the boy in his chest clinging to him so desperately, hands gripping the elder's buttonup work shirt tightly, eyes screwed together as to not cry anymore. "i love you, hyunnie." he whispers, only for his baby to hear.

his baby.

the love of his life.

"i love you too hyung." the younger whispers back, pressing a soft kiss to changbin's lips. "can we go to bed?" he mumbled, toying with the buttons of the elder's work shirt. "of course, babydoll."

changbin easily scoops the taller up in his arms, long legs wrapping around his waist as he carries the boy to their shared bed. hyunjin get's comfy as changbin's quick to change into comfier clothing, switching the lamp off. he crawls into bed beside the blonde boy, arms finding themselves wrapped around the younger's waist. he pressed a soft kiss against hyunjin's forehead.

"i love you. for everything you are. okay?"

"okay."

"goodnight, babyboy."

"goodnight."

and changbin never once lied.

he loved hyunjin.

for everything he was.

every feature.

every freckle.

every mole.

every smile.

every bubbly giggle.

every kiss.

the younger was the love of changbin's life. his everything.

and changbin will carry those statements to his grave.


End file.
